(un)tangled thoughts

Yesterday morning and really for the whole last week this tiger challenge has been a huge pain in my butt. I mean if we would have only stayed two weeks longer in Germany I didn't have to worry about it and deal with this.  I understand how the tiger challenge functions as a tool to encourage more engagement, conveniently at a time when distractions are getting more and motivation tanks. But knowing this, didn't prevent the thought process of: “Why am I doing this, it causes so much anxiety and discomfort.” While I realize the benefit was there the whole time I was not able to really feel it until after everything was done yesterday. All of a sudden when I came home with a very sore back (I have been struggling with back-aches for quite a few days now.) and tired, I found myself going through my forms again and again, several times through out the rest of the day. Just now it wasn't the pressure of, I have to practice (especially since I feel like I'm lacking after two ...

I currently really don't know what to write, that would be meaningful to the team and myself on our journey to mastery. I feel removed, not just physically but also mentally from our kwoon and team. I know its on me to stay in touch, to read the blogs, write my own and do Kung Fu even when I don't feel like it. BUT... My brain is so full of a variety of emotions that I really struggle to make sense of. There is loss (I had to say good by to one of my best friends this last weekend), there is a lot of worry over the health and life expectancy of some family members and than there is the anxiety of our time running out here in Germany. In two weeks we will say our good-byes for an unknown period of time. Leaving my family behind in these scarry and heavy times knowing I'll take with me the only grand kinds and a big source of joy and distraction makes me feel extremely sad and guilty. I know this is life and I'm grateful to be here and to have the time with each of my lov...

Almost 4 weeks and not a single blog, I was hoping to use my 12 hour train ride today to write a blog but since we had to pack very light we didn’t bring a laptop on this little Italy trip. I didn’t even bring my book with my numbers.  As I’m just typing on my phone now I decided to at least give you all a quick update and “Hello team!”  Leon and I are doing pretty good on our Push up and Sip up requirements and I’m trying to practice my fan form as often as possible but I have to admit it’s a lot harder than I thought to keep up with our Kung fu.  And just because I can’t focus on anything else right now I’ll share with you how excited I am to see Leon’s surprise face when he exits the train in Rome! He wanted to go to Italy and Rome so badly and we decided to surprise him. We are currently riding through the pictures landscape of northern Italy and Leon is still thinking we going to Prague🫣! Although I’m not sure the secret can be kept all the way, as he has already ma...

  As described by several others on the team, my "why" has changed a bit over the years. Although the original reason that made me join all of you on the matts is still true today.  My "why" has evolved and just become stronger, what was started as a 2 hour a week physical activity has become space and time for: -belonging and building community   -building discipline -to challenge my self and leave my comfort zone -to learn about and discover myself  -to be present -to learn self defence -to be creative -to be a role model to my boys All of these are my reasons and I could probably find even more but one phenomenon has stood out to me early on already and has been more noticeable the last couple of weeks again. My Kungfu training provides the space and the time for "emptying my mind"! I don't remark on it absolutely every time I go to my classes, but every single time I came in being stressed or anxious I finished the class without any of it. That doe...

My theme for the Year of the dragon seems to be accountability. I knew early on that having Leon join the IHC team will be great for holding myself accountable, as I wrote about in a previous blog. The decision to choose the fan as a weapon has led to the idea to attempt a partner weapon form and with that, another opportunity for even more accountability. After a timid mentioning of the idea followed by a few days of humming and hawing and questioning, if it is a smart move to attempt to work together with someone, knowing I will be physically and mentally absent for two full month, the question was, are we doing this or not. My answer was still indecisive and noncommittal, "I'll try!" The response to that came quick and was only fair, "we are either doing this or not, there is no try!" And boom thats what I needed: commit to it first, than figure it out!😁 Now, A few weeks into this year I feel super excited and certainly committed. What seemed like a scarry i...

  I finally settled on a weapon and I may have some regrets.😜 I was still humming and hawing over the choice of my weapon for this year until last week. I played with a bunch of different ideas but at the banquette I started eyeing the fan and decided this would be a good weapon to travel around with, as we will be gone to Germany for two month pretty soon. When I learned Toudai Ferris chose the fan as well, I first was taking this as a sign to choose a different weapon and leave this one for another year, but Jason made my brain go wild when he asked "why don't you guys make up a fan-form together?!" While this is an exciting idea it is also overwhelming and the fact that I won't be around for two month doesn't help. Trying to figure this all out without ever even having had a fan in my hand seemed impossible, so I ended up ordering my fan on a whim and I have been playing since. 4 things I have learned about my new weapon ! 1. Fans are loud! Fans are not just s...

Sitting here now trying to force my self to get a final post out, before the year of the rabbit is concluded is bringing up a lot of conflicting emotions. Every time I finally sit down to write a blog I have to first get past my guilt. Guilt because its been too long since the last one but also because there were countless things on my mind these last two month, some breakthroughs but also quite a few frustrations that I now wish there was a record of. But there is also the continues problem of posting my numbers. I hate starting my blog with apologies and explanations of why I did not do well but it seems a necessary step before I'm able to allow myself to acknowledge all the things I'm proud of and there are a lot to!😁 Just like probably most of us who finished their first year in the IHC, I'm super proud because this has been by far the most active year of my almost 44 years of life. While I won’t be able to give any kind of accurate numbers on my requirements, I know h...