(un)tangled thoughts

As I was trying to think of a topic for my next blog and recalling the memorable moments that stood out from this last week, I thought of a situation that brings me right back to my ego, so here we go again. While attending the level one classes this week, Sihing asked me to work with an orange belt on stick 1-3. After Toudai showed me his form, I was instantly flustered. I guess I assumed there would be enough obvious things I could pick out and correct, or encourage him to practice, or somehow contribute something useful to his learning. But watching him run through, I just found myself being blown away by his power and intensity, and I felt imposter syndrome and panic sneaking in. I mean, I tried to reason with myself that there is an age difference and there is a male vs female argument, but really, the roles felt far too reversed. I managed to pick out a few little details, but really, I was just grasping at straws. After class, I was sharing my experience with Leon, and he listed...

 After my first 4 weeks of tai chi, I feel like I have a little bit of a handle on it now (only regarding the sequence and following along). The first two weeks I felt very overwhelmed and out of place. For whatever reason, I thought I'd be able to come in and shadow my classmates enough to dive right into what's there to discover about energy and centering and tying it right into my Kung Fu. That was not the case. I was somewhat shocked to realize that shadowing anybody was very difficult, and as soon as I didn't have an eye on someone doing the exact same move, I froze, not knowing what's next for any of my limbs. Retaining the sequence enough to take it home and go over it seemed impossible after the first class. I was glad there were two of us living in the same house, having started this journey now. But even with what Leon remembered, it was hard to puzzle anything together as what he retained and I brought home looked very different from each other. Thankfully, t...

 Yes, I admit I complained, the first Kao Shi class somewhat scared me! and no I didn't like it, because it hurt! I'm assuming and hoping I'm not the only one since this first class experience seemed to take centre stage at today's meeting. There is a lot to think about now, and finding the balance between seeing it for what it is and not beating myself up is the current challenge. I do not beat myself up for my numbers, as I was actually surprised about how many I did when pushed to my limit. I have not done this ever before. When we were asked during warm-up to do half of what we could, I did 10 push-ups, estimating I could do about 20, and 25 sit-ups, thinking I'd manage 50 in one sitting. Later, Sifu asked us to do as many sit-ups and push-ups as we could, referring to the black belt fitness tests and pointing out that we are not done until we flop down on the floor. Or at least that's what I understood and latched on to. My goal was to max them out like nev...

I have decided to restructure my tracking goals in accordance with the self-reporting interval. Meaning I broke down the numbers required for the entire year into blocks of 6 and I will finish my first interval on April 1.  Requirements on April 1st: Push-ups/sit-ups: 6106 AOK, sparing, hand form, weapon form: 129 km: 215 I'm curious to see whether this will help me hack my motivation cycle. I know, there is no silver bullet, but I have realized that certain situations either strengthen or weaken my drive. For example, a new start and a blank slate tend to increase my ambition, while falling behind does the opposite. In the last days of the year of the snake, just before resetting my trackers for the year of the horse, I felt kind of defeated. I half-heartedly added my last few numbers but I didn't feel the urge to push to finish the year strong. Why? because it felt like it didn't really matter anymore, at least for my push-ups and sit-ups. The strides app displays everyth...

 Banquet day has come and gone. Sihing Burk asked me yesterday just before the doors opened and we welcomed all our families, guests and supporters, how I was doing. I'm assuming she asked me, knowing how much anxiety I tend to bring with me when it comes to being on stage or performing anything. As I was trying to figure out how to answer this, I noticed that I really didn't feel anything my nervous system interpreted as dangerous or negative. I felt good and joyful, taking in the camaraderie with the team and I was excited to watch the awards and promotions. I remember how teammates in the past had tried to reassure me that it would get easier but adrenaline and excitement will probably always be part of it. Well apperently they were right! I'm happy to say that the day itself is something I look forward to now, rather than stressing about it. I also enjoy myself throughout and spent little time thinking about the actual demo part and what could go wrong. Maybe it's ...

  And so it begins, again! It's not that I had given up on the year of the snake (so yay for no quitting!), but while I was doing my sit-ups and push-ups regularly again for the last few months, I haven't hit my minimum number anymore. I did about half of my push-ups and sit-ups lately. Why? Probably because it wasn't realistic anymore to reach my 50,000, so the "minimum" that was a year ago, 140 was no longer a relevant number. But as I reset all my trackers this morning on my Strides app, I looked at my achievements this past year and it's still pretty amazing. It's the first time I have something to really look at that represents my progress fairly accurately for the last 365 days. In previous years, I struggled way more with tracking as writing my reps on paper didn't really work for me. I restarted several times and missed many, many days of tracking. This year, while still not perfect and still missing some numbers, it's been a game-changer, ...