(un)tangled thoughts

At our kao shi class the other day, Sifu said something that stuck with me and is a good reminder. I keep complaining about my confidence or the lack of. But when she said that in order to be confident you don't actually have to think or believe you will nail whatever it is you are doing, it could just mean you are confident that you are able to take or deal with whatever happens after, my mind was blown. In that specific instance, she was referring to sparring. Given that I was the only non-black belt on Saturday in that group, and for the very first time, I was sparring against black belts in their own class, meaning they were not there to help me learn; they were sparring for their own improvement. I get that they were not going full speed or full force but it was highly intimidating and definitly out of my comfort zone. I did ok, but I could feel getting overwhelmed and at one of our breathing breaks the confidence issue came up. For whatever reason, it was the right talk at th...

Ok, I hummed and hawed this week over whether to email Sifu or use our homework as a blog topic. The main reason I didn't want to put this out publicly is that it might come across as a bit rebellious or counterproductive, and it doesn't paint me as a"control freak" that I should strive to be. But I decided to share my point of view on sleep hygiene and circadian cycle with you after all because this is also me. Here is the thing: I go through phases when I don't sleep well. While I don't struggle falling asleep at all (like I lie down and I'm out almost instantly), but if I get woken up anytime after 2-3 am, it often means that's it. No chance of getting any more quality sleep, it's tossing and turning until it's feasible to get up. Thankfully, I have an easy time getting up in the mornings, though. This is my struggle and has been for many years, and it all started when I became a mom.   My habits and sleeping hygiene, or lack thereof is as s...

Last week we worked on the triangle stepping pattern with take down. This has always been one I struggled with, and I never felt that I could get to a successful take-down. I was always scrambling, repositioning my stance, and then awkwardly muscling my partner down, but knowing that would not work out in real life. On Wednesday, it was the same spiel to start with, but I eventually decided to forget about my arms and hands and just focus on my footwork, and as I was working with Sihing Burk, I also got some input that really helped. I finally got to a point where I could effectively take her off her feet even without the use of my hands. This felt like such a leap forward, but I knew it wasn't muscle memory or skills I own yet, and it will go away quickly if I don't try to keep this fresh in my head. The very next day I had a chance to practice with Leon on the mats and to my surprise and disapointment I could not get him off his feet at all! Now I don't know if I already ...

Looks like a sword, made of a stick called a bokken. I'm very happy with my weapon choice a few weeks into the year. I have a form that I quite like, and it's designed as a blunt-weapon demonstration. I took a video, and I'm looking forward to seeing my progress at the end of the year. When I chose the bokken, I had no real concept of what kind of manipulation would make this weapon dangerous. In fact, I initially thought of the bokken "only" as a practice sword. Looking into it, I quickly realized that the bokken is very much its own style of weapon. While it looks so much like swinging a sword, the intent switched from sharp to blunt makes this one super interesting but also challenging. Now that I have a basic structure for my form, I'm really trying to practice wacking it. It's a lot harder than I thought, especially dynamically, when I add footwork. I got a few good wacks in yesterday, mainly stationary yet, but at least I have had a chance to feel wh...

I just came back from a walk. It wasn't on my to-do list today, and it didn't look nice out there, raining but not pouring. But I decided it's a good time to see how much snow is left on the north side of the property and how the pond is filling up. Along the way, I snapped a few pictures, mostly of mosses and lichens. I sank in knee-deep on one side of the property and was pleased to see my rhubarb pop up in a different location. Now I got back and feel really good (I was sick with a fever yesterday, which makes this probably feel double as great), energized and inspired. I know that going for a walk always makes me feel better, even when the weather doesn't seem as inviting, but noticing the world out there probably has just as much impact on my well-being as the fresh air, vitamin D, and physical activity do. I often take pictures on my walks, orand hatendo bring back treasures such as rocks, twigs, fungi, leand leavesNoticing the small things (although not all are p...

Coming out of our Saturday meetings is a great time to write a blog post if my schedule allows, as there is always so much that gets stirred up. Today, two things stand out. When "we" talked about blogging, I felt crushed right away because I knew I was already short. The whole discussion about calendar week vs. 7 days combined with both Malinda's and Kaylee's comments opened up something I've really struggled to understand over the last few years. I attend these meetings and often come out inspired, but also sometimes so confused. One week I feel like we are being crushed by how we fail our requirements and "how much we suck".  And other times I feel encouraged because we discuss any movement forward, no matter how little means progress, and as long as we move forward, we are on a path to mastery. I feel silly this only seems to make sense now but I struggled to understand why I constantly felt like getting mixed messages. I attributed it to the fact th...