Mending relationships...

The other day when the self-reporting system was introduced and I entered my numbers I stumbled over the "mendning a relationship" requirement. I had pushed that one to the side for a bit, although I will say I do spend regularly time pondering about such things. 

I like this requirement, it suits my personality as I am such a peace-loving person but sometimes I wonder if it's not also the people-pleaser in me. 

And that is where I spin around in circles again. Am I trying to figure out how to mend relationships because I have to fulfill a requirement and it is the right thing to do or am I following a pattern of seeking peace and approval. 

When I think about this, the first thing that usually comes to mind is my relationship with my mother which for most people is one of the most important ones in their lives. Because of the significance of this particular bond, it has puzzled me my whole life why my relationship with her is and always has been so incredibly difficult. The thing with this kind of troubled relationship is that there is no simple escape from it. There is no option to just call it a "fall out" and move on with your life, which we sometimes have to do when dealing with a broken friendship. I have been at the point of no contact for several months because at some point I figured maybe this is just the best as there simply seems to be no solution. Of course, this wasn't the answer either and somehow we are limping along now as mother and daughter, both painfully aware that what we have is not what it is "supposed" to be. We stay in touch, walking on eggshells hanging on as good as we can, and both hoping that magically something will change one day. 

I have been wondering how to improve this connection forever, I have bought cards that I meant to write and send her. But when I try to think of something kind and nonconfrontational to write, I freeze and go blank and I do call her but have to work up to it for days, sometimes even weeks in advance. 

I came across an audiobook recently that gave me some new food for thought, it's called

"The let them theory".

While I listened a little reluctantly at first and even felt annoyed about a few things, I have to say I like a lot of the thought-provoking elements of this approach. "Let them and then let me... "should be the full title of the book. Initialy when I read the name I thought it would focus too much on THEM. The book is actually more of a reminder that you can not control everything and especially not what other people think or do. It puts the ball back into your corner by focusing on LET ME! after you let them, and it stresses the point of what is really in your control, which will only ever be your own reactions.

Unfortunately, this doesn't make anything easier. It doesn't help me in the sense of an easy act of kindness I can do to improve what is wrong. What it does tell me is that it will take a lot of internal work to accept what I can not change and to learn to let me react in a way that is true to myself, and yet kind.

The book has helped a bit to reframe my thoughts about the issue, I feel a little bit enlightened and guided but at the same time overwhelmed because I have a hunch that this will stay a lifetime exercise for me.