Confidence vs. Ego

Yesterday’s breakathon felt like a milestone for me. For the first time, I broke ten wooden boards. I was definitely worried, as I knew this meant no wiggle room in terms of difficulty level.  But I did it and it showed me in the most tangible way how much I have grown. Compared to previous years, the difference was significant, and it felt really good to finally see progress that sometimes seems invisible to me. 

Before heading to class last night, I wanted to feel a bit more prepared. I decided to test one break at home even though we are usually told not to practice on wooden boards. I had been working on a four-technique combination, which I knew was way over my head but I was curious. Out of those four moves, the knife hand worried me the most and I wanted to see if I could break the board without the pressure of an audience. So I set it up with Leon, took one clean shot with my weaker left hand, and to my surprise, the board just broke. That moment had an enormous effect on me, and it gave me confidence walking into the breakathon. As mentioned before the night went well for me overall, most of my boards broke without too many difficulties on the first try, and I am happy with the outcome. I can see that I have come a long way, even though there is still a long road ahead before I can perform these breaks dynamically in a combination. For now, being able to execute them one at a time feels like an important first step. The only technique that now really bugs me and refused to work, was the same knife hand that I had succeeded with so easily at home. After a couple of failed attempts, I felt somewhat shocked and I could feel my ego step in. The pain did not disappear, but it suddenly seemed like it almost didn't matter. I kept trying, even as my hand began to bruise and throb, convinced that I just needed one more strike. It is strange how breaking a board barely hurts at all, but not breaking it, again and again, really does.

In the past, I would have stopped much sooner. I remember getting frustrated with even the simplest techniques on orange plastic boards, and the pain was enough to make me quit. Last night was very different. The drive to finish, to prove that I could, seemed to overpower all reason. At one point I even told myself to stop, to remember that I have some important days coming up and need both hands functioning, and yet I kept going. There it was, my ego showing loud and proud.

Confidence vs ego, one I need to grow and one I need to contain. Last night I felt both and my knife-hand success as well as the failure to perform it again became a symbol and a lesson of the fine line between these two.