Dark Saturday

 Yes, I admit I complained, the first Kao Shi class somewhat scared me! and no I didn't like it, because it hurt!

I'm assuming and hoping I'm not the only one since this first class experience seemed to take centre stage at today's meeting. There is a lot to think about now, and finding the balance between seeing it for what it is and not beating myself up is the current challenge.

I do not beat myself up for my numbers, as I was actually surprised about how many I did when pushed to my limit. I have not done this ever before. When we were asked during warm-up to do half of what we could, I did 10 push-ups, estimating I could do about 20, and 25 sit-ups, thinking I'd manage 50 in one sitting. Later, Sifu asked us to do as many sit-ups and push-ups as we could, referring to the black belt fitness tests and pointing out that we are not done until we flop down on the floor. Or at least that's what I understood and latched on to. My goal was to max them out like never before. And so I did, I'm sure there was not one left in me at that time.

So my frustration with that class wasn't the class itself, and it wasn't my results. I was surprised, by how much I  underestimated what I can actually do based on my chosen number at warm up. The frustration came later. The next day I was so so so sore. And No it wasn't a good sore. It wasn't an injured sore either, it was just affecting all of my movements, turning my head, lifting an arm, etc. I felt so uncomftable but the worst part and the moment I became resentful, ( yes truth be told I felt resentment) was when I was going to do my push-ups and sit-ups on Sunday. I was so sore that it felt not feasible to do any more, and I got mad and stubborn about my momentum. I resented the idea that I had been on this roll, pumping out my numbers and making good progress, and then I was asked to "over-do" it, and now my momentum was threatened. 

I see so many lessons in the combination of these first two classes and mine are probably very different from everybody else's. But I learned:
- that I can do quite a bit more than I think and acknowledge, 
- that me, riding a wave of momentum and hoping the wave doesn't ebb out, is not a strategy that will succeed ( I knew this of course but I didn't think to embrace it if someone broke this momentum for me. I didn't like it but I did find alternatives that day, I held a plank for two minutes and really, really hated it, maybe because it wasn't as satisfying as pushing up and counting numbers. I also did push-ups leaning on my desk that day and had to make peace with it because, until recently, I didn't consider these sufficient for myself.  
- embrace challenges presented to me as a chance to practice mastery, not as  punishments
- I have to reevaluate how I record my numbers. specifically my km and AOK 
- Simply put, riding a wave isn't mastery!

Today very much felt like I was called out on a lot personally. I can't quite articulate my insights, but it's like I see a bit of light coming through the tunnel. Maybe for the first time I realise that THIS is going to continue to challenge me and how I think every week, every day, every meeting, every blog and that is the whole point. I may have secretly hoped to find a shortcut. Not in the sense to make it really shorter, but somehow easier, somehow bullet-proof, a set manual so I can tick off the boxes ideally on autopilot. Maybe subconciously I was hoping to find my comfort zone in all of this thinking, once I found a way to make it work it will be easy, and doable, and painless and I don't have to question myself anymore.
Nothing today was new, I have heard it all before but I received it differently. I'm more excited about our classes now, knowing I'll learn something great again, or collect so much food for thought, but I'm still scared because I know it won't be comfortable at any point!


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