(un)tangled thoughts

 I have a tangled ball of thoughts in my head, with many loose ends about intensity, energy, the ebb and flow of energy, finishing techniques in our forms with a snap, and releasing vs. extending energy. There are ideas about intent and intens, relaxed vs released. I tried to clarify a few of these thoughts in my 1-on-1 this morning, and in that moment I felt a glimpse of light and the beginning of some understanding, but now, a few hours later, this whole experience reminds me of how I dream. I don't often remember my dreams, but occasionally I wake up, and I'm delighted to remember some scenes nothing super clear, definitely not the whole story, and often very disconnected. Every once in a while, I remember more of a storyline, and it seems to make more sense than usual, but within a few hours this memory and knowledge of my dream world is erased, I can no longer recover that information.  For whatever reason, this is what I experienced today. I felt like I was onto somethin...

Ok, this has been the first phase this year that I really struggled to get a blog out. While it hasn't been all perfect so far, with a few delayed and some even missing, but overall I have been happy with my improvement. Considering it's been a way bigger struggle in years prior, I actually felt like I never lost control of the assignment. Now, however, I feel it actually slipping. I think about it every day, and I feel the guilt and annoyance with myself when, at the end of the day, I didn't get it done again. The downward spiral has started to take momentum. Because I'm behind, I want to come up with a go od post and not just an apologetic note stating the obvious and non-solution-based. The pressure to deliver something better makes me delay even more, and trying to think of something meaningful to say makes my brain shut down, or I can hear the critical part of my brain jab at every thought that crosses my mind: Sure, but what's your point? What are you actually...

Last week's kao shi class introduced a whole new concept. Thinking about the different emotions or attitudes at play when doing a snake vs. dragon form was really eye-opening, and I felt I could relate or understand. While picturing the animals movements didn't magically make my techniques perfect, it helped me understand the concepts intellectually, even though I still struggle to articulate them. Up until now, I have always just thought of very one-dimensional, broad emotions, like "be angry" when attacked, but Saturday's exercise blew my mind a bit. I find it really intriguing to think about my patterns when confronted with certain conflicts and how my reactions really depend on a variety of factors. It's simple to say I got angry in a certain situation but at a closer look there are so many nuances in my attitude that can be very different from one "angry" interaction to the next. I have moments when I put my foot down and stubbornness is the ove...

 Kungfu (Tennis) elbow For the last two-ish months, I have been struggling with pain in my left arm (just outside my elbow). The good news is that I can still do a lot of things without losing built muscle or even my rep counts. In fact, it's easier to do most of my kung fu than it is to lift my cup in the morning for a sip of coffee. I can do push-ups no problem, and I can even do my bokken form without pain. When I do my handforms, though, I have to be careful when striking with my left arm because the intensity of a punch, or the snap at the tail end, causes pain. When striking an actual target, it often feels fine. In our fight choreography, I have to change only one sequence and adjust it so I strike with my right arm rather than the left, as leveraging the bokken downward is too much force for my arm. I think I have found a way to adjust this part and it feels good. For my board breaks, I'm still contemplating if I should change the technique. In my previous attempt, I br...

Strengths and weaknesses. I have been collecting my thoughts on this topic, and interestingly, several of my strengths also ended up as weaknesses, and vice versa. But I'll start with one of the easiest strengths for me to list: creativity. I consider myself very creative, which I think is fairly evident in my life and shows in many of my activities and hobbies. While this is the first one and the easiest that comes to mind, I will say that my creativity and my confidence in it get very shaky when I am expected to produce a creative outcome under time pressure and in a publicly observed setting. To tap into my creative potential, I need time and space to think; people-watching and waiting for a result will kill it quickly. Next, I will talk about my empathy and compassion. These are among the first things that come to mind when I think about my strengths, and for a long time I considered them one of the ultimate characteristics of being a good human. I still think that's true; ...

I've been back for over a week already, and it feels like our holidays happened months ago.  I felt refreshed and a sense of a new beginning when I stood on our porch the day after we returned. I was going to write a blog about this feeling and how I didn't even realize how much I needed a reset until I was back from our trip. But now I can barely remember the feeling anymore I just know I was standing there and enjoying the moment.  Life is sooooo busy again, and that's because we chose it. Saturday was a big day for our family, as we welcomed a new family member into our house and our lives, at least for a while. This has been a long process, and we all have been excitedly prepping and renovating for quite some time. Antonia is a German exchange student who will be staying with us for the next 3 months. We are still in the settling-in phase, and over the next two weeks we will hopefully find a bit of a new routine. In the meantime, I want to let you all know that Leon and...