sometimes I'm scared of writing/saying what I think,

 

Sometimes I'm scared of writing/saying what I think, because of how it could be received, but also because I know the way I think is fluid and could change faster than I type. But one of my ultimate principles in life is to be real. 

As much as I would like to respond to the challenges that are put out by some of our dedicated team members, like Nigel's gratitude/self-reflection worksheet or the self-sabotage question from Michelle, I find myself in a situation where I'm trying to manage my requirements and priorities in a way that keeps me sane. I constantly switch between "I can do it" and "scrambling to keep up," but then I stumble and see the train of priorities, requirements, and expectations passing me by, and I beat myself up and fall apart. When I get to that point of overwhelm, I eventually try to hyper-focus on the absolute most important priority at the moment only and calm myself down by realizing the world is not going to end if some other things don't happen right now or don't happen as I envisioned. 

The point I would like to make is that I already struggle with the things I signed up for, but then there are these expansions to our requirements. After our meeting and a few fb posts before, I feel terrible for not having worked on Nigel's challenge, especially after I already dropped the ball with his kindness project. I just printed out the PDF, and of course, I see value in this. But to be brutally honest, it frustrates me because my next thought is: ok, now I have to write another blog by tomorrow, I have to work on Nigel's challenge, and I should also dig deep into what I am self-sabotaging and I already tell myself this weekend I finish this book I have to read!

And yes, I could get this done today, but ultimately something else will not, and most often it's these things that are just buried further down on the to-do list. Here is the thing: because I feel obligated, I just do it now to jump through the hoops. As valuable as these things could be for me when done in the right headspace or at the time of need, right now, the truth is, I would do them because I feel like I have to please someone else. I'm trying to catch up and get to some areas of my requirements that are buried further down in my basket, which I was so set on having done already, like my reading and writing requirements, 5 applications, and plenty of my personal stuff. It sometimes feels so discouraging to always stay on the surface of this basket of tasks, and instead of checking things off, the pile just keeps growing on top. I try keeping up with these regulars that I just can't let slip like all my reps, and blogging, and that one is the hardest because there is no catching up after you have missed a 7-day interval. I struggle with the book so much, not at all actually, because I don't like it, but because I get so hung up on the questions and I worry about missing any or getting it wrong. I got to the point that I really despise the requirement because I feel like the value is lost due to my brain focusing on it being a requirement and getting it right, rather than taking it for what it is, and it may or may not serve me at the moment. I have now decided to just forget about the questions for now and just absorb whats in the book and I worry about the questions after. ( I am aware that the questions are not in order, and it was recommended to me to pay attention to them as I go through the book, but it has created an awful experience with this book.)

Don't get me wrong,( and I'm pretty sure I get my head set straight after this blog), I know the argument here could be made that all these things are here and could serve me, and that I can't know until I try. Another argument is that it's supposed to be hard and maybe even overwhelming, the same way as it would be when you get to a black belt test and do a 12 h fitness test, and at the end, being asked to show your forms. I can appreciate the stretching of these resiliency muscles. Earnig a black belt was never meant to be easy and I dont want it to be easy. I want to know one day I did this knowing it was hard.

I don't know when but I'm on it and chipping away and that is all I will ever do. I don't one bit believe that it's somehow harder for me or that my struggles are greater, but being overwhelmed with a tendency to quit certain things and shutting them down is one of my weaknesses and managing and navigating outside expectations gracefully is one of my learning challenges on this journey. 

I'm trying to reduce the level of overwhelm by reminding myself that my Kung fu serves me regardless if I earn a black belt at the end of the year or not. And Sifu's question "what do you want?" I'd answer with: I am really not in it for the actual black belt ( not saying I wouldn't feel proud to earn one), and maybe that is the wrong thing to say here. But I'm really here because kung fu has become part of my life. I enjoy IT, it is a big part of my community, it is good for my mind and "mostly" for my body , it keeps me on my toes and challenges me all the time. I "want" the black belt because I want to stay part of this community and in all realty keep moving forward with my team mates. The black belt just happens to be this challenge along the way and we will see when I gather all the resources, skills and determination to make it past that point.