At our kao shi class the other day, Sifu said something that stuck with me and is a good reminder. I keep complaining about my confidence or the lack of. But when she said that in order to be confident you don't actually have to think or believe you will nail whatever it is you are doing, it could just mean you are confident that you are able to take or deal with whatever happens after, my mind was blown. In that specific instance, she was referring to sparring. Given that I was the only non-black belt on Saturday in that group, and for the very first time, I was sparring against black belts in their own class, meaning they were not there to help me learn; they were sparring for their own improvement. I get that they were not going full speed or full force but it was highly intimidating and definitly out of my comfort zone. I did ok, but I could feel getting overwhelmed and at one of our breathing breaks the confidence issue came up. For whatever reason, it was the right talk at the right time, and it may even become a more permanent reminder or mantra for me. I dont have to think I can beat my class mates in sparring in order to stay calm and confident but I do know I'm safe, they are kind people, and most of all I can absolutely deal with that bump of the glove or even a kick pushing me back. 
It somehow hit home that I have always tried to convince myself I don't suck that much in order to show more confidence, but the issue with that has always been that I have a tough time believing my own weak pep talks. The perspective that confidence has not necessarily anything to do with knowing the outcome will be amazing, but only means whatever the outcome, I'll be fine, takes all the pressure off. I'm ridiculously excited about that it seems so common sense, and yet I definitely have never thought about it that way. 

sit-ups: 11.7K
push ups: 11.5K
km: 233
AOK: 231
Da Mu Hsing: 273
Bokken: 254
sparring: 72

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