It's not imposter syndrome!
Coming out of our Saturday meetings is a great time to write a blog post if my schedule allows, as there is always so much that gets stirred up. Today, two things stand out.
When "we" talked about blogging, I felt crushed right away because I knew I was already short. The whole discussion about calendar week vs. 7 days combined with both Malinda's and Kaylee's comments opened up something I've really struggled to understand over the last few years. I attend these meetings and often come out inspired, but also sometimes so confused. One week I feel like we are being crushed by how we fail our requirements and "how much we suck". And other times I feel encouraged because we discuss any movement forward, no matter how little means progress, and as long as we move forward, we are on a path to mastery. I feel silly this only seems to make sense now but I struggled to understand why I constantly felt like getting mixed messages. I attributed it to the fact that our instructors, with years of experience, know when to encourage and motivate, and when it's time to pull out the whip. Excuse this analogy. And I do understand why the answers for each of us look often different, depending on what we need.
"Working the system" is what finally brought it home. This is interesting am I working the system and what is my intent? When I think about this, I have to admit my intent has been different this year compared to previous years on the team, even though the requirements barely changed. In years prior I approached the program with the goal to improve and challenge myself. If you asked me then, and people certainly have, why in the world are you doing this, the answer was because I know it's good for me, to challenge myself and be pushed outside my comfort zone, the program keeps me on my heels. and involves me in a supportive, positive environment. This year's answer is shorter, "because I'm going for my black belt and these are the requirements".
I know the program is designed to teach us the path to mastery, and that path never stops. Along the way there are landmarks like belt colours, tiger challenges, or standing on a stage giving a speech and earning a black belt. All of these are only moments that come and go, and at some point, they are a distant memory and just another step along the way, and at the end absolutely nobody cares when these landmarks passed by. It seems so backwards that the year I should be most concerned with mastery, my mind clings to a system. Of course, I haven't stopped thinking about improving myself in an effort to only check boxes, but the priority has shifted and checking boxes or not checking boxes has definitely taken over my mental state and anxiety.
This is certainly a reality check but strangely it makes me actually feel less guilty and anxious at least for now. I think it may help me make some sense of my frustrations. I mean, strictly speaking, looking at my numbers from the standpoint of did I move forward last week at all. I have to say yes. I did not stop, I moved forward, just suddenly a lot slower and it didn't come easy, I had to fight with myself. Did I meet the expectations of a black belt candidate? Not quite. Did I work towards my goal at all, and did I win some of my own battles, yes I did!
Ok, this was a lot of fluff and turning circles, but I think this helps me figure out what the heck I'm actually doing here and why.
The other thing that stood out today, even though I already saw this before, was Malinda's affirmation, it's really growing on me.
"It's not imposter syndrome, you really do suck at everything!"
Sifu Ryback added something to it that made it speak differently to me today. When I first saw it, it made me laugh, and its bluntness made it seem almost ridiculous. But Sifu's comment, " You got to do stuff to suck at it", changed entirely how I see it now. I know the phrase you can't become good at anything unless you are willing to suck at it first. But spinning this a little further makes me realise nothing I'll ever do will be entirely perfect and even if it does it won't stay that way. So really I do have to be ok with sucking at things either because I'm new to it, or because I'm too old for it, or because I'm tired or because I compare myself with somebody that is better at it, or just has different prerequisites or strengths. The issue is not sucking, the issue is stopping or crumbling because you are afraid to suck.
I'm intrigued by the idea of trying to be more confident in myself, sucking, for example, at Kung fu, because, hey, at least I'm doing Kung fu. Or me sucking at felting, but hey, at least I do what I love, I get to be creative and make things with my hands, people actually spend their hard-earned money on. Do I suck at running a business, yup frequently, but hey, I run one and at some point, I dared to put myself out there and got it started. I suck, you suck, everyone sucks at something, more or less, depending on your perspective. I don't mean to say try to be confident in mediocrity and don't care to improve or fix issues, but don't let this ultimate set goal or aim for perfection crush your spirit or stop you from doing what you want.
Just stuff to ponder about, I guess.
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