First real tough week!

This was the hardest week yet in the year of the horse, and it started right after our last Saturday meeting at which I was still confidently explaining that things are going pretty good.
There is a whole slew of reasons why it got harder, and trying to list them makes me feel kind of yucky, as it sounds like a bunch of excuses. I think I'm aware of most of the reasons that started piling up, one of which is the lack of autopilot that comes with a week of school holidays, but there was much more. 
One day I went through my day and it took me until I went to bed to realize all of a sudden that I had done absolutely nothing for my Kung Fu yet. It truly surprised me to realize that I at no point in the day made a conscious decision to delay or even not do my push-ups or sit-ups, I simply didn't think about it at all. And from there it got worse I tried to do more the next day but I noticed that it was really hard to convince myself to do even my regular amount. At that point, I thought it was scary because if I don't even think about doing or not doing my reps, how can I expect myself to push through and do them anyway? But it got even scarier. I realized the problem, but instead of taking steps to make sure this doesn't happen again, it got worse. I really, really started to have a tough time just doing it when I thought of it. I'm aware now, but I don't understand how it can become that hard all of a sudden when, a week ago, it was still going well. It scares me now more because we are not even a full 2 months in, and fighting with myself seems brutal. I did manage to do my numbers most days, dragging my heels, but not often the 200 I'm aiming for, and there are 3 days in one week that I now need to make up for.

The thing is that there is a part of me that wants to be compassionate with myself, arguing with the other part that feels all the guilt. One topic that comes up is why, even doing 200 push-ups a day, building a cushion, if the second you use it, you beat yourself up. 

Anyway, I was thinking about Sifu Brinker telling us to do something physical even when feeling down because then you can at least tell yourself that you did x amount of whatever and that is always positive, and it did help a little bit. I'm ok with off days and I'm not at all surprised that it happens but watch this switch happening in my brain almost in slow motion and seemingly so paralyzing is absolutely frustrating, maybe because I don't really understand why all these things have such a massive impact on my drive or motivation or energy, I don't even know what.
On the note of guilt, we also won't be in class tomorrow night, as I just assumed there are no classes and didn't even check, but it's just another thing on my list this week that is not helping the issue.  
I'm going to stop typing now and make sure I get in a few reps as I'm playing catch-up all the way around!!!
See you all on Wednesday!

sit-ups: 7522
push ups: 7541
km: 144.6
AOK: 142
Da Mu Hsing: 130
Bokken: 122
sparring: 55

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