Not so shiny anymore!
Last week Wednesday I earned my brown belt. That day had been anticipated for a while as I had almost a month to prepare and practice for it. I am of course super happy and proud also because Leon and I got to experience this together but I have to say I did not expect this shift in my attitude.
It felt very different getting to the brown belt than to any other belt level I earned in the past and interestingly this didn't really strike me until a couple of weeks ago.
All of a sudden I remembered my beginnings and how I looked up and admired many of our teammates who were then where I am now. The thing is when I think back, the brown belt level and the skills that go along with that seemed so close to those of a black belt after all it is just a shade away.
When I look at myself now and specifically when I watch videos of my forms and think of me attempting breaking boards or even sparring, I can't help but feel somewhat underserved of this rank. Not undeserved maybe in my efforts, I know how much work and effort went into this but in mastered skill. I certainly don't feel I am that role model that I looked up to when I was a beginner. Again this is interesting as I didn't feel the same hesitation to celebrate my blue belt. I guess if you look at our belt system a bit more philosophically you could even see that shift from the shiny, vibrant colors to the muted darkness after blue, certainly not black yet but hinting strongly that way. I just hope this sense of imposter syndrome will fade after wearing this new belt for a while. It is a mixture of my ego questioning, what others will think, and do THEY agree this is deserved but it is also the fear of what is coming next. Will I be able to continue to improve or will I break on the expectations that come with representing our school at that level.
I have gone through a few phases in my training over the years.
When I started my kung fu journey I had no intentions to become a black belt, I simply wanted the exercise and appreciated the philosophy of our school. As I moved up the ranks I started feeling pride in my journey and my achievements and by the time I trained as a green belt I started thinking that maybe one day I'll become a black belt after all. For the last two years now I leaned way more into my training and made an effort to become a greater part of this community. I even felt somewhat fueled to achieve the goal of becoming a black belt. For whatever reason I am surprised about how I feel now, it's almost more like in the beginning again. I'm questioning if I can ever master the basics to the point of becoming a black belt and do I even want that? Can I live with the expectations and prove to myself and everybody else that this is indeed deserved?
I guess I'm in my head right now, and I hope I'll grow into this new but not so shiny color soon! If everything else fails I'll watch Leon who can teach me a thing or two about confidence!😄
Congratulations! Well deserved!! You’ve worked hard and it shows in everything you do! Believe in yourself, as your instructors and we do ❤️
ReplyDeleteI can tell you that you have earned that rank. We always judge ourselves too harshly. Your progress is notable by the instructors and also by your fellow students.
ReplyDeleteSomething to think about is how the belt system represents each skill level, when you are a yellow belt you should be working towards thinking and moving like an orange belt and once you reach that skill level you earn the rank, once you earn your orange belt you should be working towards thinking and moving like a green belt, and on and on through the ranks. *So by earning your brown belt your instructors have already recognized that you have already become a brown belt*, what you need to do next and what it sounds like you’re struggling with, is the gap between where you are now and the rank you are striving to become next, but that’s good! If you weren’t struggling that means you would be becoming stagnant, you need to try to push yourself and try to become a second degree brown belt while you are still a brown belt
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