(un)tangled thoughts

 Last week Wednesday I earned my brown belt. That day had been anticipated for a while as I had almost a month to prepare and practice for it. I am of course super happy and proud also because Leon and I got to experience this together but I have to say I did not expect this shift in my attitude. It felt very different getting to the brown belt than to any other belt level I earned in the past and interestingly this didn't really strike me until a couple of weeks ago. All of a sudden I remembered my beginnings and how I looked up and admired many of our teammates who were then where I am now. The thing is when I think back, the brown belt level and the skills that go along with that seemed so close to those of a black belt after all it is just a shade away. When I look at myself now and specifically when I watch videos of my forms and think of me attempting breaking boards or even sparring, I can't help but feel somewhat underserved of this rank. Not undeserved maybe in my effo...

The other day when the self-reporting system was introduced and I entered my numbers I stumbled over the "mendning a relationship" requirement. I had pushed that one to the side for a bit, although I will say I do spend regularly time pondering about such things.  I like this requirement, it suits my personality as I am such a peace-loving person but sometimes I wonder if it's not also the people-pleaser in me.  And that is where I spin around in circles again. Am I trying to figure out how to mend relationships because I have to fulfill a requirement and it is the right thing to do or am I following a pattern of seeking peace and approval.  When I think about this, the first thing that usually comes to mind is my relationship with my mother which for most people is one of the most important ones in their lives. Because of the significance of this particular bond, it has puzzled me my whole life why my relationship with her is and always has been so incredibly difficult. ...