(un)tangled thoughts

I can feel anxiety creeping in as my time gets ripped into patches and I have to decide what to designate these patches of time to. Now, sticking to my Kung Fu routine is getting harder. I feel disappointment in my swindling numbers and that is mostly because my pride in these numbers was so great for the first two month. My list of tasks that I decided are priorities now is growing. I hate saying NO and love saying Yes and I'm only starting to embrace the fact that these two belong together, if I like it or not. I started listening to "The Subtle Art of not giving a F..." by Mark Menson and he stated in his book that when we make decisions to do something, we ultimately choose the problems we will be dealing with to. We tend to make decisions based on romantic ideas, which we anticipate to become true once we have arrived but that "destination" in reality is just another day in your life with new decisions to be made and other issues to be solved. For example, ...

Another period of struggling to keep my routine! My numbers are down again this week, but on the other side, I celebrate that I have done some Kung Fu each day since we started the year of the snake, no exception, even when I didn't feel right. Yesterday was the first Monday I didn't get a blog out! No super big deal as I'm sitting now to get one out, but again it shows me the struggle that lies ahead.  Another issue right now is becoming friends with my weapon. I find myself practicing everything but my braid form. It's not that I don't like swinging it or even wanting to become better, but I struggle finding my intent. Our exercise recently, when we were introducing a teammate to our weapon form and talking them through each move, highlighted that even more. I was so happy to have found a few techniques I was able to string together into a beta version, but now I really wonder what I'm doing. When I was trying to explain the intent of each move, I realized tha...

 Last week Wednesday I earned my brown belt. That day had been anticipated for a while as I had almost a month to prepare and practice for it. I am of course super happy and proud also because Leon and I got to experience this together but I have to say I did not expect this shift in my attitude. It felt very different getting to the brown belt than to any other belt level I earned in the past and interestingly this didn't really strike me until a couple of weeks ago. All of a sudden I remembered my beginnings and how I looked up and admired many of our teammates who were then where I am now. The thing is when I think back, the brown belt level and the skills that go along with that seemed so close to those of a black belt after all it is just a shade away. When I look at myself now and specifically when I watch videos of my forms and think of me attempting breaking boards or even sparring, I can't help but feel somewhat underserved of this rank. Not undeserved maybe in my effo...

The other day when the self-reporting system was introduced and I entered my numbers I stumbled over the "mendning a relationship" requirement. I had pushed that one to the side for a bit, although I will say I do spend regularly time pondering about such things.  I like this requirement, it suits my personality as I am such a peace-loving person but sometimes I wonder if it's not also the people-pleaser in me.  And that is where I spin around in circles again. Am I trying to figure out how to mend relationships because I have to fulfill a requirement and it is the right thing to do or am I following a pattern of seeking peace and approval.  When I think about this, the first thing that usually comes to mind is my relationship with my mother which for most people is one of the most important ones in their lives. Because of the significance of this particular bond, it has puzzled me my whole life why my relationship with her is and always has been so incredibly difficult. ...