Sparring

For the first time I did some sparring at Saturdays open training and I'm with Toudai Ferris on this I need someone asking me to actually do it, so thank you Sihing Shira Csillag!

I had a chance to spar a couple times with Toudai Ferris, the first time we both played it very safe and slow which was nice because my vocabulary of motion while growing is rather slow yet to put to use. The second time we tried it was more intense but also more chaotic and frazzled.

My final attempt was with Toudai Bauer which felt entirely comical and cartoon-like. Him relaxed, barely guarding, and slightly bored or like he could take care of another important task at the same time, while  I was trying franticly to do anything just to run out of energy.

I know I shouldn't be so surprised about my sparring skills as I have been avoiding, instead of embracing it. Sparring confuses me to say the least, and when people ask if I like it, I don't even know what the honest answer is. When I feel safe with the person across (and by safe I mean somebody who also doesn't know what they are doing) I tend to enjoy the process of slowly figuring out to see the openings, or recognize an attack, kick, or punch coming and in slow motion decide what defense to pick from. When paired with somebody experienced it can still be enjoyable as long as my opponent treats me as a total beginner. As soon as I encounter someone willing to push me out of my comfort zone I feel my attitude shift, I get emotional and frustrated.

I think sparring is an interesting part of my kung fu journey that probably holds the most growth for me. I know it is important for all of us to learn to apply our techniques and it is the closest to real-life applications we can do. But for me, sparring is a strange concept that I struggle with because of my two opposing character traits. On the one side, I'm peace-loving, and rather people-pleasing and happy-go-lucky but there is another side of me that struggles with temper once adrenalin kicks in. Most people who know me have never and likely will never encounter this side of me. 

When I get angry it's like I loose all sense of fear and realism. I'll challenge Hulk and actually think I can win or think, if I die in this battle so be it.

These moments are not happening often but when they do I am fierce and out of mind. The problem is that it's not based on technic and skills and control its pure rage and I know I can do damage that way. When I spar I don't feel rage nor do I feel like I'm someone that could tackle a Hulk. I'm thinking about technic and analyzing but I'm also constantly worried about using a kick or a punch and actually hitting somebody. I do not want to hurt anybody and I really struggle with that balance. We sometimes got asked in class if any of us has ever been in an actual fight and nobody raises the hand. While my experience with fighting is very little, I actually have been in one and believe it caused some pain. 

I was 15ish and washing my hands in a public bathroom when another girl who had a history of not liking me came in, saw me and from behind attacked me by smashing my head into the hand fan apparatus hanging on the wall. I remember this whole thing like a twenty-second scene out of a movie. I turned around pushed her with everything I had, which was a lot of adrenalin to the ground in the corner and kicked her in the guts. That was it, that was the entirety of my experience with fighting she was on the ground and I didn't have any desire to find out what would happen after, plus my inflated fierceness had left I went for the door and ran away. The point is I know I can grow above myself and I can cause damage, in a way it is like becoming Hulk for a second but this is not comforting it scares me. I understand that sparring is a safe place and that intensity, realism, real kicks and real punches are important but I really really struggle practicing as realistic as possible, yet not damaging and that is also true when we do other parner work applications. 

So that was very long way of saying I guess I got to do more sparring. I'll be back for the next open training and if I'm not in line already, please someone ask me to get my sparring gear and get ready!