challenge the tiger

 https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1UrEfAsypKmckBaRrvlyoJTYd2Art3hwM

This week I feel the pain of not having made a point to blog more timely. I had so many topics I wanted to address, so many things that have happened. Although I shouldn't say I didn't make the time to blog, I did schedule it and definitely started. In fact, I compost three different drafts so I don't forget about them but I did not manage to finish one in time and so I am not only late posting but I also realize I fooled myself when I thought I preserve my flow of thoughts by drafting blogs to finish later. So this one here is a few days old, well a week already and I'm not the same person anymore that wrote many of these things, after all, there have been more than 10,000 new minutes experienced. I wonder now why I didn't just finish it off there. Obviously, back when I was 10,000 minutes younger I thought there was more to share but my new me can't seem to continue the thought process from back then. So I share this as is and as it was true not too long ago.

This tiger challenge is haunting me. I am not a performer, in fact, the second I have to I'll underperform. My skills, my knowledge, my thoughts, and most of all my words seem to go out the window. It is quite possibly my biggest personal challenge to overcome and I have severely struggled with this most of my life. My nervousness is cribbling and my body expresses this panic in many ways. I will sweat profusely, my voice will get shaky, and my whole body trembles. If I had to speak some words wouldn't even come out and just get swallowed up. So the tiger challenge is a true challenge for me. This is the second year in a row that I was not supposed to even make it. Last year we were in Germany on the original date but then it was postponed and voila I didn't have a good enough reason to not sign up. This year we were supposed to be at camp but the wildfires made sure those plans were canceled and there we go again I didn't have a good reason to not sign up. What's up with this, it's like the universe makes sure I challenge this chicken inside me and at this point, I'm more flight than fight.

All of that being said I know I would miss not being here for it, all the anxiety and discomfort are worth the experience and all the other emotions triggered that day. (It's easier said afterward.)

There were so many more emotions next to anxiety and relief. There was admiration, amusement, joy, surprise, pride, and inspiration but also empathetic pain and some frustration. The most significant moments of surprise, pride, and frustration for me that day happened all within the same minute. It was Leon's board-breaking attempt and I was so impressed that he broke 3 out of the 4 boards, after missing the very first one. It was a bittersweet moment when I felt proud of him and realized at the same time I held the only board he didn't break. It's hard to not wonder how much fault you carry when you hold a board that doesn't break and that's true for anybody's board I held that day. I was doubting my ability to do a good job and be as solid as it needs to be. When we came home after the tournament Leon decided instantly to take care of his last board, we didn't even make it to the house yet. I'm so happy to say that he broke his fourth board proudly and I got to redeem myself as his holder of the board. Afterward, I got to finish my day with a highlight and I broke my very first wooden board. Leon had one extra and helped me get this done. 

All in all this whole experience left me feeling extremely proud, inspired, and excited for next year. With 365 days ahead of me it is easy to think next year I'll be participating in ALL the disciplines, I'm already practicing my new moves. We will see how I feel by the time I have to sign up again and when anxiety creeps its way through. I find key for me is to signing up for things when anxiety is still absent, I seem to forget quickly and reliably how much pain it is to perform with this rather strong reaction. 😂

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