classes, meetings, blogs and my engagement

 Kao Shi classes

I just thought I'd share my random thoughts and confusion right away this week before it's gone again.

First of all, I enjoy these classes a lot, and I feel like I get a lot out of them every time. I felt the same when we were still the I Ho Chuan team gathering on Thursdays. I find these "meetings" exceptionally thought-provoking, reflective, and motivating.

I do acknowledge, though, that this is hard to even recognize, since I tend to be a quiet observer rather than an active participant, and I understand that this is one-sided, as I take, but there isn't much I give in return.

I did use the word "meeting" here because I don't think the term has negatively affected how I approach my Saturday mornings. Sifu's point, I believe, was to watch our words, as they become our thoughts. And as already mentioned, we all have slightly, and sometimes even widely, different interpretations of words.

To me, calling it a meeting vs. a class meant more the difference between a conversational, collaborative session and a pre-planned, curriculum-based session led and instructed by a teacher.

In both cases, I show up eager to get something out of it, but in neither case (admittedly) am I doing a lot of prep work. Sifu used the term "test" a couple of weeks ago and suggested we should approach every Saturday morning like that, now that changes how I'd approach showing up drastically in terms of meaning, and I definitely have never really thought about it that way. 

Coming back to my participation in our "meetings," this is something I do struggle with a bit more, as "taking the stage" and speaking up take me a bit longer and are admittedly just harder. And while that was always true for me, even in our in-person meetings with the I Ho Chuan, I have to say the online format exaggerates this even more. 

During our last online Kao shi class, I really struggled. There were several times during that meeting when I had something I wanted to share or ask, but I ran into technical issues: for whatever reason, my mic didn't unmute when I wanted it to, and at some point I couldn't even find the mic icon. The point is not to blame the system and technology, but it highlighted my struggle even more. Because I already have to jump through this mental hurdle before I speak up, there is a delay. Now I'm finally ready to present what I want to say, and I panic and frantically swipe my screen (I even ran to Leon a couple of times to get help but he couldnt figure it out in the moment either), because if I don't get my mic unmuted when it's still appropriate to speak, I lose the pause in the overall conversation that made me feel comfortable enough to start talking. By the time I figured it out, somebody else filled the void, and more often than not, the conversation has moved on. 

I can see how being prepared to have something to say can help with that issue, but inserting myself into a team conversation that relies on listening, absorbing, formulating and then reacting is more difficult. 

Another aspect discussed was the interactions with our blogs. And again, I do acknowledge that I could be more engaged with my teammates. I do read most blogs on a regular basis, however, there are times, and sometimes even a few weeks in the year, when they are just not my priority.

When I do, though, I tend to read and absorb passively, mostly without sharing my take on it.

So here is my take on that!

I'm starting to really enjoy blogging (wishing I had more time for it and nobody had to deal with my long-winded thoughts) and getting back into it. I have mentioned before that I used to journal every day in my twenties.  It was an outlet, and I very much needed this in my life.

But I struggle with the conflict between it being an honest, raw journal of my journey and my struggles, and it being an evaluated part of a test, or presenting my thoughts and ideas to people who will formulate an opinion. 

I'm getting used to this aspect, and I'm trying to see it as less of a conflict and just accept that it is humbling, that people will have opinions and thoughts, and that is ok. 

But that in turn also causes me to be a lot more hesitant to comment on people's lives, struggles, thoughts and experiences. When somebody is sharing these things, I look at it as: ok, I now have a better picture of what makes them tick or what their struggles are, but I still only know the smallest portion of the context, and how can I have something meaningful to say about this? My blogs, for example, are already too wordy, and I still don't feel like I give enough context. I was contemplating whether I might be overthinking this and if my comments maybe don't have to be life-changing to have an impact. I'm sure that is sometimes true, but on the other hand, commenting for the sake of having left a mark seems somehow shallow and pointless.

So these were some of my incomplete thoughts and conflicts that came to mind. 

I recognize that I often use my struggles as an excuse, though, and I will be looking at them more as a challenge to overcome rather than a reason not to be more engaged.